This Week’s Streak: From Conflict to Communication
A customer disagrees with you, vehemently, or team member is complacent or confrontational. You immediately feel your body tense in response to their response. The hackles on the back of your neck are raised, your muscles are tight, and your hands take on a claw-like state.
No one likes conflict and your response to it can increase it or diffuse it. Our natural reaction is to either fight or flee. Since we no longer live in caves, it might behoove us to consider a third alternative – let’s call it “communication”. Interestingly enough I think we are afraid of communication because often it requires us to be the bigger of the two people for the moment (this is one aspect of Leadership, wouldn’t you say?) and that is a difficult muscle to develop.
Parable: A student asks a math teacher, “Why do we have to take Algebra (insert trigonometry, calculus…) anyway – when we’re never gonna use it in real life?” To which the math teacher replies, “Consider it weight training for your brain.”
Leadership and communication can be looked at the same way. They are skills that are developed through regular flexing of particular muscles. Whatever muscles we are flexing on a daily basis – whether they be the muscles of overwhelm, frustration, disdain, etc. are the muscles that are going to grow bigger.
As for fleeing, avoidance might be appropriate in certain situations or at the beginning of a conflict in order to let people cool off a bit first but I’m starting to liken it to aspects of bullying where the bullied are told to “walk away” and “ignore”. I’m beginning to think some standing up for oneself might be more effective in 1) taking the bully off guard and making them think twice and 2) giving the bullied a sense of confidence and self-worth that they actually can stand up for themselves and do not need anyone to rescue them. When it comes to fighting, an occasional tussle might be okay as long as it does not become the ongoing method of dealing with issues.
In our society we tend to view the “flee-ers” (as the avoiders) more positively and the “fighters” (as the bullies) more negatively. I’m going to say that we need both. Here’s why. There are pros and cons to everything and it is in the diversity that we create unity. The “flee-ers” have things to learn from the “fighters” and the “fighters” have things to learn from the “flee-ers” when it comes to personal and professional development. The “flee-ers” might help the “fighters” understand that a little cooling off might be in order and the “fighters” might help the “flee-ers” see that it is okay to take a stand.
In the end, when it comes to conflict, communication must prevail over fleeing or fighting in order for relationships to develop, deepen, grow, move forward and create win-win situations for all parties concerned.
Check-In on your last Request: What did you decide you would do and by when? How did it go?
Request (something to do): Will you identify a situation where you currently have conflict and make a decision to communicate about it rather than avoiding it or reacting to it?
Inquiry (something to ponder): How would becoming a better communicator improve my life and relationships?
